Reflections

I have always felt like I have really thick skin. I have always been confident in who I am as a person, the incredible circle that I have around me and the loyal companion I am to the ones I love. I never try to be ugly, I try to be as positive as I can given the situation, although many time I lose my shit and act a little crazy. I am proud of the woman I am.

This year I will turn 30, I feel like this is a huge milestone for me and as I look back at what I have done in my 30 years of life, I am happy. I know I could do more, I have the brain to be a lawyer if I wanted but I am happy. I like working from 9-5 and when 5:00 hits, I leave my work day behind.

My family is the most important thing in my life, my husband is so loyal and although we may be salt and vinegar some times I love him with all my heart. He has given me all that I have ever asked for, we struggle and we fight, but we always come out shinning in the long run. We make a good team. My daughter is absolutely amazing. When i look at what a happy child she is, her beautiful look on the world and her intelligence, grace and kindness, I know it is a reflection of us, and what an incredible job we are doing as her parents. That little girl, solidifies it all for me.

When i was growing up, I was never the prettiest, definitely not the thinnest, not the smartest, but I was very popular. I always had a big circle of friends and some of those friends are still in my life today. For that I am ever so grateful. The people who I brought into my circle loved me for Courtney. They loved every part of me and didn't look at the fact that I wasn't the thinnest or the prettiest, but my heart was gorgeous....at least that's what I feel and what I have been told.

I always try to see the best in people. I graduated with a degree in criminal justice with hopes to change kids who had gone down the wrong path, I always felt that if I could change one child, my job would be complete and that would be the most outstanding feeling.

My skin grew thick as I grew up viewing the world outside of my little "village." I remember being ridiculed and teased on the playground in elementary school because I would run the mile slow or I wasn't athletic like some of the other girls. But they didn't know "me" and although it hurt my feelings and at the time I felt like I wasn't good enough because I wasn't the thinnest or the prettiest and maybe I did run a 10 minute mile, I was still beautiful....and those kids lost out on having a great friend. Those kids didn't know the true meaning of beauty.

I have been thinking about this because now my sweet little Eleni goes to school, and she has had to deal with learning how to fit in. She has always been the center of attention in her little world, with us and her grandparents. Everyone just gloats over her. But now she goes to school and she has to learn to make new friends, realize that she is not the center of everyone else's world. Big surprise! And she has to be strong. Right now it is just preschool and she seems to be adjusting good. Young children are still innocent and don't ridicule. But one day she will go to a real school.

One day she will come home sad, possibly with tears coming out of those big gorgeous brown eyes because she felt someone was better than her and she was hurt. Maybe they were faster, stronger, smarter, thinner or prettier. She will grow and fall in love and maybe the person she loves will reject her and choose someone else. She may sit in sorrow and cry wondering why that girl was better than her.

As a sit and think of this, I know that my job as her mom is to teach her undying kindness. To love with her heart like I always have tried to do, and even more so. When someone is ugly and nasty to her, to pray for them and not hurt them back. To know that person is not worth her energy of getting angry. I could still learn this trait. To have confidence in the young girl she is and the woman she will one day become. I will teach her to stand strong and keep her chin up at the world, no matter how ugly it can be at times. And, I am sure when she is not looking I will be drowning in tears looking at her and knowing that my little girl has felt the ugliness this world can deliver.

I pray to have this strength, to always guide her as best as I can and I pray to be a better person as well. I thank my sweet Eleni Joon for opening my eyes even more so that what this world is truly about. What matters most is love, and family. Not what car you drive, or the brand of jeans you wear, how many square feet your house is, or what your bank account balance is. I hope that we can teach her all the right things in life, to be strong and wise, be independent yet embrace family like we all do, to explore the world and everything life has to offer and to love.

Always, kindness and love.